Most Alien Abductions Actually Sleep Apnea, Study Shows

CINCINNATI

Zebecchia Burke wasn’t abducted by aliens. That’s what a recent study from the Institute for Reasoning and Hylomorphic Compunction claimed. A fifteen page color brochure released Monday illustrates how many nocturnal alien abductions are actually sleep apnea.

“It’s a common misconception,” said Dr. Paul Zeitgeist, researcher with the Institute. “Oftentimes we will see a spike in alien abduction reports concordant with a spike in local beer sales,” he said, pointing to a chart. “A subject will purchase alcohol, and often cigarettes, drink too much, smoke too much, and simply pass out on their couches, supine,” he said, demonstratively showing the motion of passing out.

Burke begs to differ. “I’ve been sober for six months,” he said in his Covington, KY sleeping room. “I [have not] had a beer or a drug in that time,” he said. “Sides, I got proof of abduction,” he said, pulling down his pants, exposing a seven inch scar along his inner thigh. “That there is an alien wound,” he said pointing to the raised welt.

Burke’s neighbor, Red Hussert, a 64 year old retired railroad worker claimed he heard gasping noises coming from Burke’s residence. “Yes sir,” Hussert said, “I heard a loud gasp coming from across the hall. Then some rustling, and a thump.”

Burke’s sponsor, a Bob G. from Newport, KY says he thinks the scar can be explained by a love tryst. “Zeb’s been dating Cat Claw Gina off and on for about 3 weeks now,” he said, referring to Burke’s recent relationship with fellow recovery member Gina L., who was later unavailable for comment.

Dr. Zeitgeist thinks the whole thing can be explained by a condition known as sleep apnea, or a sudden cessation or series of cessations in breathing during the sleep process. Often observed in obese people, alcohol or other sedative users, and persons prone to snoring, sleep apnea is a potentially life threatening condition.

“When a person stops breathing in their sleep,” Dr. Zeitgeist said, “a sudden dearth in oxygen can lead to hallucinogenic, and often psychedelic delusions.”

“The dreams,” he said, “become more vivid, oftentimes with aliens in them.”

William Comparetto

© 2008